COFFEE TALK w/ DEBRA

 Celebrity Gossip - May 14, 2009

Well, I must say I thought James, I mean our anonymous editor-in-chief, fell off the bleeding planet. I had no idea where he was as I lost my cell phone with all my numbers in it playing beach volleyball out here in San Juan. And I’ve finally met someone, thank God. I didn’t think THAT would ever happen. Now if I can just convince him to get off this damn island. But he loves it here. I just don’t get how someone could love it here. I mean, I’ve had it. There's nothing to do but take seaweed baths and wait on tables. James, I mean our editor, has said to make our articles shorter as people have no attention spans when it comes to the internet. So here it goes, short and sweet. It seems Jen and Brad are thinking about getting back together and Angelina Jolie is out of the picture. Who would have married her in the first place anyway? Didn’t she become a cult member or something? And what’s up with her tattooing Billy Bob Thorton’s name on her thigh or wherever? That girl gives me the creeps. If I was a starving Indonesian, I wouldn’t let her adopt my baby, that's for damn sure. That woman’s a skank. Is this short enough? Are you bored yet? You can move on to the next section? How come articles aren’t short on the REAL marthastewart.com? Huh? If everyone’s so bored? Why is that?

November 11, 2008

Can anyone at Martha Ha! pick up the damn phone and return a phone call? Ever? Are there even offices? My God! I have been trying to call our editor in chief to tell him that not only am I behind on my rent this month, that I’ve been looking for a second job and I really don’t have time to write this damn article. I think James does this on purpose. He doesn’t pick up. What happened this week? Well, Barack won. Thank God. Not only is he hot, he’s smart and actually listens to people not like that blooming Bush. My God. And that Laura. Is she for real? Which drunken canteen did W. pick her up in? That woman’s frightening. With the right make up, she looks like The Joker from Batman. In the news celebrity-wise, I think Lindsey Lohan got fired from an Ugly Betty episode for drug use or something recently. I don’t know. Why did I get this job? I think it was because no one else wanted it. I live in San Juan for crying out loud. There are no celebrities out here. And you know what, James if you even read this, the section is called Coffee Talk. So shouldn’t I, the hostess of Coffee Talk, be able to talk about what the hell I want to talk about? That’s what they do on The View. And speaking of which, is this show – if you can call it that – ever going video? When am I going to get hired in a real job instead of this bleeding internet poverty bullsh*t??

October 21, 2008

I cannot tell you how glad it made me to help those poor orphans in Thailand. It made me realize there’s a whole big planet out there and not to worry about these a-holes here in San Juan, PR. That Jose called me again. Did he call me once when I was in the hospital with food poisoning? Did he bother to pick up the phone after he screwed me? Did he pick up the tab the last time we went out to dinner? Hell no, no and no. So he had the nerve to call me when he was sick and he needed some soup. I told him I didn’t want to get whatever he had. He told me something was wrong with his colon. He said he thought I had colon problems and I told him that I had done a few colon cleanses, but that was my only relationship with the colon. Then I hung up. He had his chance. He only calls me when he wants to hook up anyway. I’m not some booty call. Anyway, I think Britney has lost some weight. If she would just get back with Justin everything would be fine. And let me tell you, a trip to Thailand is maybe just what all these celebrities need. It sure as hell helped me. But I’m convinced I’m never getting away from gay men. I even wandered into the gay part of town accidentally in Bang-cock. Oh my God. You should have seen some of these disgusting fat old men with these beautiful young women on their arms. I talked with someone and they said that’s the way of the Thai, “me screwey you, you payee me”. To which I say – why can’t someone take care of me that way? Of course I’m not screwing some fat old fart, that’s for sure. So I guess I’m going out with Jose. The life coach on this site, if you can call him that, says that I need to be more forgiving in relationships, that people will always let you down. He says I need to change. Whatever.

October 7, 2008

Well, I got back from bloody Thailand and what does James say to me? Does he ask how my trip was or how many orphans I rescued from poverty and helped feed in the kitchen? Hell no. He only states we need to start re-focusing Martha Ha to include more about cheap lifestyle entertaining and how we need to get back to the original vision of Martha Ha and how this e-zine has only been about everyone’s personal problems. Does he think that I like personal problems? He’s the one who up and left me in New York when I was all alone, as usual, in New York. And then he threatened to change my column from celebrity gossip/coffee talk to entertaining on the cheap. Oh bug off, I say. Does he actually think he can fire someone he doesn’t even PAY?! On that note, I do remember when I was a poor struggling wedding gown saleswoman, I used to invite friends over and make dirty martinis. That was fun and since I had no money I would melt mozzarella on Trisket crackers. But I’m not rich now either and I’m tired of bloody Triskets. I want some money. I want my own! I don’t know. Is this what he means by helping people with no money entertain? Whatever. The life coach on this joke of a site tells me I need to stay in a positive mental state and to that I say: what’s the use?

Week of Sept. 2, 2008

Oh, god. I mean, does this celebrity gossip section of the magazine really matter? Why is everyone in this country so bloody concerned with fame and materialism? This is exactly why I’m packing up the few belongings I’ve acquired in this measly little life of mine, kissing San Juan goodbye with big fat shoe up its ass for a month and going to Thailand. Then, I may be ready to check out. Off this island, off this freaking planet. The ticket to Thailand is costing me twelve hundred blooming dollars, but it’s worth it. I desperately need to do something spiritual. And hopefully this is it. I guess I could go meditate in Sedona on a freaking hot air balloon and try and find my purpose in this life, but this way at least I’m helping some poor kids get a meal replacement package form the government. I guess James - I mean our editor - is right and I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. It’s just one area of my life that I’m not happy in and that’s my love life. I’m forty-three and never truly been loved except by a lasa apsa named Gizmo. Okay, well I guess I’m not that happy in my career either since I’m still waiting on tables. And granted, I’m not that happy with my achievements since I’ve had none and now that you mention it I’m really not that happy with family or friends, since I have no family or friends. Oh, shoot. I promised our editor I’d stay focused on celebrity gossip but you know what? Screw that. I’ll worry about other people’s lives when I get a little bit happy in my own.

Week of August 19, 2008

I mean my God. Could the men on this damn island be any more piggish if they tried? Yes, I was desperate. Yes, I was lonely and so I slept with a cab driver that took me home when I was a little bit drunk the other night. So sue me. In my hard life, I need a little bit of love. Did he call me? Did he want to talk to me afterwards? Hell no. Then when he honked at me in Old San Juan the other day, I told him to blow off. There’s been a cute nice guy who’s been after me, but did I pay him any attention? No, that would have been too easy. I always go for the pigs. This island just isn’t working for me anymore and after I do my volunteer work in Thailand next month, I think - and I’m bloody serious - that I’m moving to Australia. Down under. I don’t know what it is about my karma, but nothing seems to be working out for me. Then I went on a date with a thirty year old bartender and what do you think he said to me? He said he thought I was a little too old to be waiting on tables. I told him he wasn’t that hot and that he was too old to be bartending. So I’m forty three. What is it about the mentality of old waitresses? I’ve, at the request of our life coach on Martha Ha! who seems to be in more bloody drama than I am, tried to think in a positive manner and have tried to decide on some goals. But really? What’s the use? Oh, celebrity gossip? Are you for real? John Edwards had an affair, someone got divorced and Christina Applegate beats cancer. Happy? – Debra.

Week of August 2, 2008

Well, I finally got a bit good news this week. I keep telling myself what the hell am I doing in San Juan and what the hell was I thinking moving here? This island is nothing but a small town surrounded by sea urchins and hammerhead sharks. I’m serious, you tell people one little thing around here, such as I don’t think he should be dating her, and then it comes back to bite you in the arse. This is one thing I hate about small freaking towns. This is why I left Newcastle. This would never happen in New York. People are too busy. But, I’m not in New York. I’m in San Juan working two jobs and writing this. What happened this week in celebrity gossip? Who cares? Read Perez Hilton for crying out loud. Is James – I mean “the editor who cannot be named” – seriously think he’s going to compete with Oprah with this website? For crying out loud. The good news is I got a cheap place to stay in Thailand when I do my month long stint at the orphanage. Thank God as that little save-the-world trip was going to cost me an arm and a blooming leg. Allright. Focus Debra. Focus my Leo head. John Edwards apparently was giving his mistress $15,000 a month to keep her quiet, Elizabeth Taylor cheated death once again and Rob Lowe is winning his nanny battle. Happy, editor? I’m Debra with celebrity news! – D

Week of July 20, 2008

Oh, God. James – I mean our editor - acted like I was dog and told me to sit. I mean, my God. Do you really think I even have the time to do this column? It’s not like he’s paying me or I worked two bloody jobs. I shouldn’t even have to work two jobs. I either need a career or man. Geesh. I don’t even know what happened this week with freaking celebrities. The only things here in San Juan are busboys who want a piece of this mama. And I’m about to start giving them some. After the week I’ve had, after I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell is the next step in this sorry excuse for my life, I get an e-mail from James - I mean “editor not to be named” - explaining how I shouldn’t talk so much about my problems and to try and focus. How can I freaking focus when the first e-mails that I get in the day are mean and nasty ones? Does he think it’s a joke that my life turned out to be such mess? Can anyone out there in this God forsaken universe answer me? Is there anyone one listening? God, are you there? It’s me freakin Debra. I think Brad Pitt and Angie Lee or what ever that bitch’s name is had twins. Didn’t Brad Pitt leave someone on Friends for her? Oh, is that supposed to make a forty-three year old woman - like myself - with no prospect of marriage feel good? If you ask me we put too much pressure on women to hook up with anyone and have a kid. But, I’m not playing that game. So, screw you and your damn twins Brad Pitt. Men, they're all the same. - D

Week of July 12, 2008

When James, I mean Editor - I guess he wants to remanin unknown -  asked me to do a Coffee Talk segement about celebrities for his website, I was thrilled. He told me to focus on celebrities and not get off the subject. God knows, I've been dicked over by more men that I can possibly shake a stick at. I mean, I moved to get away from the assholes in Nueva York, only to realize they're worse here in San Juan. All mama's boys. I tell you, the only thing that keeps me somewhat happy are following the breakups of celebrities. And there have probably been some bad ones this week, except that I wouldn't know it because I'm in San Juan, PR and working two jobs just to stay afloat and when I meet God, I'm going to ask him, "What the hell were you thinking when you created me, because my damn life has been so hard!" What the hell was I thinking? Moving to San Juan? It was all that psychic's fault. She was the one who saw me in front of a pastel building with a baby. So, I'm sorry, but I have a bit of angst today and I'm a little too depressed to talk about celebrities. Until next week. -D