LETTER FROM THE EDITOR  - May 15, 2009

Okay, Okay Okay. I know. We took off a few weeks – okay months - for the holly-days over Yule. Here it is the middle of May. The truth is I changed my phone number and thought that I informed my so-called staff. Well, as it turned out none of them had my new phone number and since most still don’t have e-mail addresses or are living on islands, I assumed they weren’t interested in continuing with Martha Ha!, so I let it all go by the wayside. I thought everyone was healing or something. But here it is, Mercury’s in retrograde and I thought it would be a good time to re-launch as the belief goes. I’m also starting a new blog. Check it out at jamesroycemcguire.com. The reason I’m starting one is simple. I need to create more of a web presence. I’m tired of my mother, who doesn’t even know how to use a computer, asking me what I’m doing with my life career-wise. And my father who keeps saying, “Have you thought about anything to do with your career yet?” Never mind that I just passed the CBEST for teaching. Never mind that my novel was as semi-finalist in Project: QueerLit’s 2008 contest. Never mind my play was accepted into the Last Frontier Theater Conference last year. Never mind I’ve completely re-written two other full length plays in the meantime. Never mind I also work (well part-time). Never mind I wrote a self-help book. Never mind I go to nude parties and do nude yoga in Palm Springs. It seems in this country enough is truly never enough. Still, with Mother’s Day and Spring time in the air, I read a quote, which is inspiring me to do even more, by Thomas a Kempis:

“At the day of judgment we shall not be asked what we have read but what we have done.”
Or as Ruskin said:

“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.”

Amen to that brother. So, I called up my staff and, after several curses about how they thought I had died and why didn’t I return anyone’s calls, I finally got everyone to sit down and give me their articles. So here we finally have May 2009!
And what a great issue we have. Alas, Sharon Raven Tree has told me she’s a bit bored with gardening and would I mind if she talks about spiritual matters instead.
“That’s so Oprah!” I told her and readily agreed. Now if we could just get the numbers of Oprah.
Then of course John, our life coach, got a little upset as he thought this might encroach on his territory. So, if the ideas seem to repeat each other, so be it. And Debra has met a man and all ready for her celebrity gossip. Hope you enjoy spring!

December 2, 2008

The staff of Martha Ha! is taking a break for the holidays as we need to study for tests, catch up on our screenplay reading, and other exciting adventures. See you next year!

November 11, 2008

Hello and welcome to another webisode. Martha Ha! is just like that bunny rabbit. We just keep going and going and going. Sadly, we had to skip last week due to Election Day - a truly exciting time in America. We the people got to go out and vote and make a difference in our lives and the lives of so many. And what an election it was! For the first time ever we have a brotha in the White House. And he’s no David Dinkins either. This guy seems honest. Here at Martha Ha! we’ve been cooking up some goodies that you can enjoy on this Election Day season. Why not host a small gathering and have martinis with red (pimento), white (garlic stuffed) and blue (cheese) olives? You could also play “Rapper Wine Tasting” - to honor our now African roots. Simply take three bottles of exceptional, (and keeping in line with Martha Ha’s philosophy) low priced wine and invite three rappers over. Have them look at the colors, smell and then taste the wine. What are some of the “wacky” adjectives they might use? “Oaky”? “Earthy”? Or “how the hell you think it taste, bitch”? I know many of you are celebrating the end of the Bush Family Picnic. And what a picnic it was. There was cousin Cheney eating KFC on the lawn, Uncle Rumsfield drunk again and - of course - who can ever forget Barbara Bush almost winning the three legged race with her dog, Millie? And what about Ms. Rice? She was recently on CNN praising the fact that there is now an African American in the White House. And I must say, I think we’re in for a treat. Time, and certainly history, will tell. This week, alas, Sharon Raven-Tree called in sick. The good news is that Paul, our Money Matters expert, has finally decided to join us. John, our life coach talks about the importance of having tremendous desire to make our dreams come true and Debra, back from Thailand, I think is doing well.

October 21, 2008

Well, it seems like I just published this website and here I am already bugging our contributors to write their next columns. They were all excited about it when we started this and now seem to do nothing but complain, complain, complain. Ah, well. I just can’t stress out in the fall as it is truly my favorite time of year. The leaves should be falling, only this is Palm Spring so there are no trees in the desert, and the sun, as she sets, has turned the color of golden honey - only not in Palm Springs. Keeping with our ‘entertaining on a budget’ theme, I have some fall ideas. I know it’s Halloween and you’re probably tempted to look on some other websites to see what they’re doing on a budget. But here at Martha Ha! we’ve done a lot of the work for you. For example do not, under any circumstance, make little ghosts out of toilet paper and hang them around your apartment. The next thing you know you’ll be making a welcome mat out of macaroni and wood glue! It all starts with one harmless little toilet paper ghost and then bam! You've got forty cats and a yard full of plastic windmills. Remember, all you urban non-conformists, this website isn’t about having a lot of money, but it is about having a lot of taste. And also remember you can have taste, but you don’t necessarily have to be classy. Just ask my ex. Now a good idea is to take a branch with some beautiful fall foliage on it – for all you nature lovers out there ask the tree if she minds if you cut a small branch off first. Frankly, I’m not sure how you do this. I mean, of course asking the tree is easy, but how do you know if it says yes or no? – and bring it home. Prepare a mixture of two parts water with one part glycerin and bring to a boil. Cool and let the branch soak up the mixture (about 7-10 days). The glycerin will preserve the branch for many years and this can be pulled out every fall, if the leaves don't break off in the closet, to remind you that all things decay and are reborn - sorta like a Christian. We have a jam packed webi-sode for you this week. Debra, refreshed and back from Thailand, has I think found Nirvana. She REALLY needed a vacation. John, our Life coach, has read yet another self help book and as always the lovely, simple and non-complaining Sharon Raven-Tree has community gardening tips. Hope you enjoy it all!

October 7, 2008

All right-y, all you friends of Martha Ha!, welcome back to another exciting web-isode. It’s October, the leaves are falling and so is the damn stock market. But that’s what Martha Ha! is all about: urban living despite a big pocketbook and entertaining on the fly. Even though this – cheap entertaining - has been a mission statement of Martha Ha! we’ve sort of neglected this aspect. This is mainly due to the rather large character flaws of our contributors. So, I guess it’ll be time to whip everyone into shape for the fall season. And what could be better than sitting outside, sipping a nice apple cider with cinnamon doughnuts and pumpkins, celebrating our ancestors who have passed and the harvest? I tell you nothing. Although here in Palm Springs we have heat and the cactuses sure as hell don’t change color, I’m still placing my ancestor’s photos around and the Home Depot here has pumpkins on sale. This is an inexpensive way to add a little fall into your life. So, in the future we’ll all try and incorporate some of these new, and exciting, helpful elements, into Martha Ha!

Week of Sept. 2, 2008

Okay, so we’re not doing as well as I thought. So our numbers here at Martha HA! aren’t as good or as numerous as say Thugspornpayperveiw.com. So, no one - when we have ideas and I can stop my staff from bickering – likes our urban living ideas. Did critics stop Adam Sandler? Hell no. He kept right on marching and had he listen to them this world would have never ended up with The Water Boy or The Amazing Zohan. Adam knows: you can’t listen to the turkeys in your life. And that’s what we’re going to do at Martha Ha! - keep right on ignoring them until we get corporate sponsorship. So, I haven’t been invited to stay at The Four Seasons like David Sedaris. So, I’m not giving lectures worldwide on the art of creativity. So, sue me. It’s all just a matter of time. And what with the goodies that we have in store for you this week, it could be sooner than anyone thinks. First, Debra our celebrity coffee talk girl is going to Thailand for a month to work in an orphanage. So, this may be her last column for a month. I think she needs it. Hopefully, she’ll find some time to write her column, but if not, I have a few tricks up my sleeve and can go with a guest columnist. John, our life coach, has been talking about crystal healing and, as ever, the lovely and talented Sharon Raven-Tree has gardening tips any urban gardener can use. So, I say what the hell? Keep tuning into Martha Ha! for all your internet needs.

week of August 19, 2008

Martha Ha! is a little like that Carol Burnett song: seems we just get started and before you know it/ comes the time we have to say so long. Except we’re not saying “so long” we’re saying “welcome back!” Like Welcome Back Kotter. I’m not sure about these references, but hey you gotta start with something. And as the fall is right around the corner, we’ve got lots to ensure you’ll be coming back for a long time. Okay, enough of the television references. After all, we’re Martha Ha! and we make use of the internet. A lot more than most, that’s for sure. Paul, our money matters contributor, I think has quit or fallen off the planet. Either way, he’s not doing this any more. Hope we’re still friends, Paul. So, there won’t be any money advice. I may add a humor section, if I can figure out how to change the names on the tabs. This week we, again, have a packed and wonderful issue and I’ve spoken to Debra about drinking before she writes her articles and possibll healing in Sedona. The last one I received, I couldn’t even read it it was so incoherent. She acted like I was that one guy she dated who didn’t tell her he had a girlfriend until six months into the affair. I think they’re giving her free rum down in Old San Juan or something. John ,our life coach, is having a bit of stress this week as he might lose his trust fund. Welcome to the real world, John. And as always the wonderful Wicca woman Sharon Raven-Tree is giving gardening news from the frontline of urban community gardening. So lie back, get comfortable and let Martha Ha! take you to an urban oasis and lifestyle ideas. –editor.

week of August 2, 2008

All-righty kids, we are on the verge of an outstanding success with our new online magazine, Martha Ha! and we’ve got more packed into this week’s issue than any magazine in its right mind should have. Except that our Money Matters editor, Paul, still hasn’t written a single damn word. But, he assures me he’s on his way to getting on board. And as Paul has a lot of money, and reads a ton of books on the matters money, I’m sure, like all good things in life, he’s worth the wait. And speaking of weight – did you like that – weight, wait? – we’ve got some weighty issues that we’re dealing with this week. First of all, our life coach and trust fund kid, John, went and saw a past life guru this week and, through hypnosis, was asked to deal with the deaths of over five lifetimes. Debra, our celebrity gossip columnist who’s been a bit unhappy about her recent move to San Juan, is going to do some charity work in Thailand at an orphanage, and the ever faithful, and faith-witch-loving, urban gardener, Sharon-Raven Tree, has more tips on creating a unique outdoor look no matter what part of the county you’re in. And since she’s the only employee – even though I’m not paying anyone - that seems to actually be doing her job, I’m sure you’ll enjoy her words of wisdom. Until then, friends, neighbors and peeps. _editor

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR week of July 20, 2008

All right, except for a few minor glitches – such as our Money Matters editor not turning in his column this week or last week – I think our first issue was an outstanding success. Woo Hoo. I hope you all had a good week, too. I have also spoken to our Coffee Talk editor, Debra, and told her to try to stay on the subject of celebrity gossip instead of her own personal problems. So, hopefully we’ll get some good juicy tidbits about how the other half lives. I’ve been looking at a few of our competitors websites: Oprah’s, Rosie’s and of course, Martha’s, to get some ideas and it seems each month, when their magazines come out, they have a theme such as “Personal Friends” or “Halloween”. So, I figured what the hay? Why don’t we get a theme going here on Martha Ha!? So, this week’s theme is “Speed Racer” – well, it was going to be “Speed Racer”, but all of my co-editors hated that theme. So, I said what about “Summer Heat”, it being July and all. And they all thought that was too “easy”, so I threw a few more ideas in the air – “Inventions”, “Harmony”, “Love” and no one liked ANY of them. The themes I mean. So, this week, we’re theme less at least until I can get my workers, who’s boss I am, to see my point of view. Someone once told me “Never hire your friends” and boy, am I feeling the truth of that right now. Anyhow, we have a great issue lined up for you. I hope you all enjoy it.
Editor.

  LETTER FROM THE EDITOR  week of July 12, 2008

We've got a wonderful issue in store for you, for this: our new launch of Martha Ha! Do I hear wild applause? Martha Ha! is packed with information for all of you urbanites. We have several guest editors lined up to help you realize your dreams, keep you abreast of the latest gossip, tips on urban gardening and of course living your money dreams. Except that our money coach, Paul, didn't turn in his column this week. I guess I owe him a phone call. The problem with him is that once I get him on the phone he always talks and talks about his own money problems even though he's loaded. "I just lost three thousand dollars today in the stock market," he'll say. To which I'll respond, "You still have millions." To which he'll say, "You can't have millions if you don't have a dollar!" And so on and so forth. The thing is, he knows a bit about money and is doing my website for FREE, so I really can't complain. We've also got life coach John. This is his first paid gig, even though he's not getting paid, so please let's make John feel welcome as he starts his life coach career off. I guess he went to life coach school or something. If you want, you can contact him with your questions. See the Contact button above. We also have our friend, Debra, with Coffee Talk. Debra moved to sunny San Juan, PR so she'll be offering celebrity news, entertainment and gossip. She is one 'in the know" chick. We'll also be doing some comedy bits soon. However, since I'm still in the process of figuring this damn website out, it may take some time.

Cheers, editor.